I don’t know how one can describe this feeling. It’s devistating, excrutiating and troubling, all at the same time. To watch someone you love so much melt because of not being able to deal with his life… I don’t know how I can deal with feeling like I am who’s responsible for what he’s become today. Life is hard for all of us but why he is the way he is, I can’t figure out. He had a nervous breakdown in front of my eyes today. I just sat there and watch him lose his mind and become someone completely different from who he really is. I’m on the edge of a cliff, I can almost feel the lightness it would bring if I could only jump and stay in the air at least for a few seconds. I need that feeling.
My body feels numb. I’m confused and frustrated at the same time. I don’t know what I should be doing. I just want him to come back. I’m hurt, my heart’s broken and I can’t help but feel our story has come to its end. Maybe we are not meant to push this any longer… I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
I want to be there for him during his healing process and make him wanna get better but I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that. For seven years I’ve been strong for him, done everything I could to make everything in our lives work. Maybe that was the problem. The day I decided I should let him do something to save our relationship was just a mistake and maybe I should have just walked away… I don’t know why I can’t just walk away. This is hurting me so much.
I feel scarred from the inside and I just can’t feel my body… I wish he knew that, but I guess he never will…